Work “I Understand” Out of Your Leadership Vocab

When I worked at Carnival Cruise Line, I took part in a training called “Care Team.”

Care Team is a group of volunteers dispatched to emergencies to provide support to people who experienced some form of trauma or crisis. Example: a loved one died on a cruise, the ship caught fire, anything.

The lesson I most remember from “Care Team” training is never to use the phrase “I understand” — it’s an emotional assault. While often intended to comfort, it can invalidate the unique experience of the person needing comfort creating barriers to authentic communication.

Principle: You can’t possibly understand. So don’t.

Talented members of your team will experience ups and downs. On occasion, they may want to open and talk. Perhaps a charismatic and well-loved leader changed. Maybe there are difficulties at home. It’s possible they sense a RIF coming and are anxious. Whatever the reason, how you handle the conversation signals to talent how much you care about them as a person.

Instead of listening and saying “I understand”, I recommend leaders say “I heard (say what you heard)” + “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you” or “That sounds tough, how might I help?” A great response can be, “Thanks for sharing. We can talk more if you want. Just know, I’ve got your back.”

I wish I had a number for how many people tell me they wish they had a boss that listened to them. When talent meets managers that care, talent sticks around and gives their best outputs.

If you want to read more, I made this Perplexity page for you. You’ll find more practical tips and links to sources that can help improve your communication game. I hope it helps.